One month ago...

Here I am about to go into surgery. 

February 11, 2025 was the day of my gastric sleeve surgery. It took about 9 months from the time the doctor suggested the surgery to get to the actual operating room. Those months sometimes felt like the longest months of my life, and sometimes they flew by faster than I could process. I can tell you I went into it fully expecting to be found an unsuitable candidate. 

I have struggled with my weight since my 20's. At 23 I was diagnosed with complete heart block and had a pacemaker put in that I have since been 100% dependent on. After that my weight started to creep up. I did lose weight occasionally, but not when you would consider it normal, and it was definitely not sustainable. 

I had 2 pregnancies after my pacemaker surgery (1 before) and lost weight during each of my pregnancies. After delivery I would put weight back on. I had many difficulties during my pregnancies including cholestasis of pregnancy, which explained why I had difficulty gaining weight. Luckily, I brought plenty of padding with me into each pregnancy. 

In my 30's, stress was pretty constant with 3 young kids, a full time job, and working on my master's degree program. The more stressed I was, the more weight I gained. I could eat nothing and still gain weight. It was so frustrating. Every doctor's appointment was the same - eat less, exercise more. Yeah, I was doing that already and the scale was still going up. 

In my early 40's I tired the keto diet and lost over 60 pounds. I felt great. But, when I went for my annual cardiac check up, I found out my heart function was not as good as it had been and my cholesterol was a mess. No more keto. Thankfully I was able to fix the issues, but I gained back all the weight I lost and then a bonus 15. Still the same advice - just be more active and eat less. 

At 45 I was hit with an awful bout of long Covid. I could barely function. Movement was a chore. I ate what I could get quickly. I felt terrible so I made comforting food choices. I didn't really gain any more, but I was stuck and having way too much trouble doing regular day to day activities. It was affecting not only how I felt about myself, but my relationships with my family who started to think I was just opting out because I was allowing myself to be lazy. 

After I got past the worst of the long Covid, I went to a new doctor. I was showing some signs of diabetes and felt my primary care doctor was only focusing on the Covid, not the rest of my health. It was the best choice I ever made. Thankfully I did not have diabetes or pre-diabetes, but my new doctor recognized the risk I was at. He asked about my history with my weight. He was the first doctor that actually discussed my weight and ask about what my journey had been like instead of just writing in my chart that I am obese and was counseled on losing weight (without ever mentioning it). 

I went for some blood work and scans. It turns out I have non-alcoholic fatty liver disease. This was what prompted the discussion of seeing the bariatric surgeon. My dad has NAFLD too and he had recently been hospitalized with some really scary liver issues. So far, I'd been following right in his footsteps and was worried about my future health. I was not convinced I would be a candidate for surgery because I was told early on in my struggles that my pacemaker made me ineligible. I was advised things had changed in 20 years and to let the surgeon decide, so my journey began. 

Sitting here a month out thinking about all of this, I have a lot of mixed emotions. I'm glad I did it even though I still have a lot of work ahead of me. It's the first time I feel hopeful that I can change my health for the better. But I'm also kind of angry. So many doctors just failed to have the conversation and let me continue to struggle while feeling like it was a will power issue. My new doctor convinced me that it is definitely more than that in my case and it took a lot of convincing (I'm still not sure it's completely sunken in). 

Today I'm starting a new part of this journey. I've benefited so much from the experience of others as I looked into surgery and went through the actual procedure and recovery. Now, it's a lifetime of healing and self-care ahead of me. So, I'm starting this blog to share and process. Lots of people are sharing recipes and tips and helpful advice, and I will do some of that too, but I want to also be accountable to myself and transparent with my thoughts and feelings. Being vulnerable is tough but for me it's part of the process.